Classic Variations: The Gentle Art of Restraint

The Gentle Art of Restraint

Penthouse Variations, June/July 1980

"I think of bondage enthusiasts as courageous individuals who choose to expand their sexual repertoire."

by Pat Califia

The idea of being tied up, even by a spouse or lover, frightens a lot of people, Maybe it's because the outside world is so aggressive, competitive, and violent. If we're helpless (even in the bedroom) we're afraid that someone will exploit and injure us. It's sad, this erotic paranoia. Lots of men and women masturbate to the fantasy of being tied spread-eagled while a group of devastatingly attractive, insatiable individuals ravish their bodies, but they would never dream of purchasing a pair of leather wrist restraints or putting some hooks in their bed frame or into the wall.

I know from experience that having sex while my partner or I is physically restrained can be very exciting, and often makes us feel closer and more trusting than other kinds of sex. There's a big difference between a cop handcuffing a suspect, a rapist hog-tying his victim, and your lover, the connoisseur of earthly delights, unreeling a few yards of satin rope and giving you a wicked smile. Bondage isn't coercive or objectifying. Its sole purpose is to enhance sexual feelings. It doesn't necessarily include any pain. Some people automatically associate bondage with S & M, but these activities are two separate specialties. Some people (like me) enjoy both; some people enjoy one and not the other.

When I started having sex with other people, I often started wrestling matches with my lovers. I didn't want to turn them over, I wanted to persuade them to stretch out full-length on top of me, and pin me down. This feeling was intensely stimulating, No matter how heavy they were, I found I could always move my hips. I would often imagine that they were deliberately holding me down while we made love. But it never occurred to me to ask someone to tie me up. I thought real bondage was bizarre, something only hookers or porn models did. This attitude seems funny to me now, since all my sexual partners were women, I was already sexually different, so you would think I'd be busy exploring all the erotic possibilities available to the nonconformist. Apparently, I was determined to be as normal as possible.

One night, I was with a woman who was especially good at cunnilingus. She had been eating me for hours, and I really wanted to come. I kept reaching for her head, trying to direct her or get more of my vulva into her mouth. She became exasperated, grabbed my wrists, and pinned them to the bed. Embarrassed by what she had done, she quickly let me go, and I was so stunned that I forgot to come. We never talked about this event—in fact; I never had sex with her again. I was so thrilled, though, by those few seconds of helplessness that I decided I had to have more.

I found that my perspective had altered. I began to notice different items in my apartment, on the street and in stores. The tie on my bathrobe, long scarves, a length of cotton clothesline, leather shoelaces, stretchy knit men's neckties, patent leather belts, chains and padlocks—they were everywhere. They jumped out at me and tickled my imagination.

I fell in love with a tall, blonde, somewhat severe woman who was eight years older than I was. In the beginning of our affair, we experimented with many different sexual positions and had explicit, deliciously vulgar conversations about what we were doing and what we wanted to do next time. One night, we smoked some excellent grass and I got very horny and whimsical. I drifted into my bedroom and started rummaging around in closets and drawers. I came back with several brightly colored, long, silk scarves and a few neckties.

"Those are pretty," she said. I draped them across her face and shoulders, then wrapped one loosely around her throat. They made cool, sheer, mysterious noises. "What are you up to?" she giggled. I smiled and said nothing. "Are you thinking of, uh, doing anything with those?" she finally asked me. I had wound the scarves around her and she looked like a maypole.

"Well . . . "

"Oh, no, you don't. You have to tell me. Don't be coy. Come here and tell me what you're after."

She tucked me under her arm, where I felt very safe and snug and naughty, and she prodded and prompted me until I whispered that I wanted us to tie each other up. She was startled, but not disgusted. We talked about our anxieties (was it weird, was it scary, would we be scarred for life) and made a few reassuring agreements: we would take turns, we would not leave each other alone, if the person who was bound wanted to be let loose she would be released immediately.

Then we got performance anxiety about playing the dominant role. "This whole thing is your idea," she said firmly. "You go first." She stretched out on the bed. I straddled her lovely narrow hips and bound her wrists together. She made a nervous joke about how tight the knot was and how expert I seemed to be. I began to feel more daring. I laughed, kissed her and began to stroke her lightly all over. Using just the very tips of my fingers, I wanted to see her wiggle and hear her moan. I wasn't used to her being this passive, and I reveled in my power. I teased her nipples for a long time before finally touching her clitoris, and then handled her more roughly than usual. Her eyes were closed, her breathing was quick and deep and her hips kept pushing her sex against my hand. She almost came, then her eyes snapped open and she said abruptly, "I'm afraid of boring you, and I itch all over. Let's switch,"

"I'm not bored," I reassured her.

"Let me go! You promised!"

I had promised, so I let her go. She preferred to control our sexual interactions, and this interlude had gone against her grain. I lay down on the bed. She tied my wrists together, then tied each of my ankles to one leg of the bed. I was in heat immediately and clamped my thighs together to prevent her from finding out how wet I was. She began to describe a fantasy in which she was the captain of a clipper ship and I was a Polynesian woman who had been kidnapped to serve her on the voyage. It didn't take much of this to make me beg for her touch.

That was our only experiment in bondage. As the affair progressed, she became less interested in me sexually and more interested in accumulating possessions and becoming a respectable "married" couple. I eventually left her, and decided it was foolish to place any limit on how I would use my own body. I have never regretted that decision.

My interest in bondage has expanded and it has become a major part of my sexuality. I am usually the one to tie my partner up. I play with both men and women—women more often than men. I have a cabinet in my bedroom and hooks on my wall that hold several different lengths of cotton clothesline (much better than nylon rope, which can cause burns when it slips), a head harness (actually a harness for a small dog), handcuffs, cockrings, leather wrist and ankle cuffs, padlocks, double-ended clips, different lengths and weights of chain, dog collars, leashes, and black silk neckties. I have a folding Japanese bed on the floor with screw eyes at each of the four corners. I can use padlocks, double-ended clips, or ropes to secure someone to my bed. I also have screw eyes in the doorway, to use for standing bondage, and there is a mirror on the opposite wall so that my "victims" can watch me bind and tease them. My current collection of toys for sensual buildup includes feathers, rabbit fur, velvet gloves, little plastic pocket brushes, a vibrator with different snap-on attachments, leather gloves and flavored lubricants.

Why does bondage fascinate me? I think it's because trust, possession and tension are connected with sexual energy. Many people feel they do not deserve pleasure. They avoid opportunities to enjoy their own bodies, and perceive invitations or compliments as invasions of their privacy. When they do have sex, they spend so much time worrying about whether or not their partner is bored, turned on or tired that they short-circuit the encounter. When I have partners securely trussed to my bed, they know that I want them there. In the process of persuading them to undress, lie down and hold still while I tie them up, they have decided to trust me quite literally with their lives. I take this responsibility seriously.

Modern Western civilization encourages us to treat the people we love as if they were our prisoners. People feel as if they would like to possess the person or people they love, and that need is usually acted out in the form of monogamy and jealousy. I don't have the time or inclination to possess anybody for more than an evening at a time. I do not insist that my lovers have sex exclusively with me. I want to hear about their sexual adventures (it gives me good ideas) and introduce them to other people I think they might enjoy. I can do this because I know that when they are with me, they are all mine. My favorite kind of bondage is one that my partner can't get out of without help. I especially love positions that don't allow them to touch their own nipples or genitals. I love standing above them, watching them squirm, waiting for the look to cross their face that indicates they realize they can't get loose and they are at my mercy. After a suitable wait, I magnanimously decide to grant them pleasure. Of course, there are common and uncommon pleasures, and I can be nice or I can be nasty.

If I understand Masters and Johnson properly, physical arousal is a process of gradually increasing tension. Turned-on people breathe harder, their hearts beat faster, and their blood pressure goes up. They make involuntary noises and movements. Putting someone in a snug bit of bondage contributes to this increase in physical tension. People become incredibly expressive and responsive when they don’t have to worry about frightening me, getting away or falling off the bed. Sometimes I know they aren’t really struggling to get free—they’re showing off, for me.

Bondage is aesthetically appealing. It looks hot! Give me a good-looking man or woman, fifty feet of rope and half an hour, and I’ll wrap myself the most appealing Christmas present imaginable. Bondage is ornamental. It’s erotic jewelry.

There’s no risk-free way to find someone to play tie-up games with you. Hinting around or leaving bondage magazines on the coffee table will elicit vague and unreliable responses. A direct invitation is the best strategy. You might want to give your spouse, lover, best friend or trick this article and ask them if they’d like to translate theory into practice. Tell them you’re nervous, that you have to trust them a lot to bring the subject up, and confide your fantasies.

If you get a really negative reaction, don’t let it make you feel bad. There’s nothing wrong with asking. You offered them a new experience, and you exposed yourself to do it. They should feel bad for being judgmental.

If you get an ambivalent response, ask your intended accomplice in kink what he or she is anxious about. They may want you to agree to take turns, use bondage they can get out of, do it for a specified amount of time, or set other conditions that will make them feel safe. Even if you get an enthusiastic “Yes!” spend some time discussing your hopes and fears, experiences with bondage (if any), the roles you would like to adopt, and things you definitely don’t want to happen.

All you need to begin is some sort of soft tie (cotton clothesline, the belt from a terrycloth robe or kimono, some scarves, neckties) and a square knot (square knots are the best because they don’t slip). One of you should know how to tie one. You can pick up more complicated knots at your public library if you want to get intricate about it. You can also visit an adult bookstore and buy some Oriental bondage magazines. (There are very bad as well as very good ones available.) When recreating a bondage position from a photograph, remember that the model may have been a contortionist, or may enjoy more rigid restraint than your partner. Some professional dominants and dominatrices specialize in rope bondage, and would be delighted to show you some of the basics (in return for their fee, of course).

You don't have to get elaborate to have fun. If you have a four-poster bed, you are in luck! You can tie your partners spread-eagled on their back or stomach, have them kneel at the foot of the bed and tie them there, or have them lay on their back and tie both ankles and wrists to the head of the bed so the thighs are held apart. Screw eyes can be put in platforms or the wall and floor, and substitute for bedposts. Believe it or not, nobody will notice them unless you point them out. You can also use a door, either by tying one hand to each doorknob or by throwing your rope over the door itself. You can lace someone to a door this way.

You can also tie parts of your partner's body to other parts, which restrains them but allows some movement. A classic position is to have them lay on their backs, grab their ankles, and tie wrists to ankles. This provides excellent access to the crotch. Another classic is to have the "victims" on their stomach, knees bent so their feet are in the air, with ankles tied to wrists. You can put additional ties above the elbows and knees. Long hair can be used in bondage. Just make sure you can untie it.

You can also lash someone to a chair, either sitting in it, or lying over the back of it—or over the seat. A cheap way to make some special bondage equipment is to purchase long wooden rods about the thickness of a broomstick, drill holes in each end the diameter of your rope, and use one rod for hands and the other rod for feet. If you can't alter your bed in any way, these rods can be tucked away in the closet once play is done.

You should be aware of a few simple, common sense safety precautions. Do not interfere with circulation. Either pad the wrists and ankles by wrapping a washcloth around them and tying on top of the cloth, or obtain padded leather cuffs. If you buy a pair of handcuffs, get a pair that can be set so they don't keep closing tighter and tighter. Don't tie someone standing up with arms above the head for more than twenty minutes. To avoid dislocating joints, don't hang anyone with his or her weight on the wrists or ankles. Smothering and choking are potential turn-offs; so don't leave a person tied up alone, especially if he or she is facedown on a soft surface. Never put pressure on a tie around the neck. Avoid tying someone up who is drunk or very stoned, since vomiting can lead to suffocation.

If you are in the controlling role, avoid embarrassing yourself by keeping your ropes untangled and available. If you are playing with anything that locks, find your key before you snap something shut. Have duplicate keys. If you like padlocks, buy a set that are keyed alike so the same key will open everything. Be careful not to get locks or handcuffs wet—they can rust quickly. Replace any equipment that gets temperamental about being unlocked.

It is also wise to pay attention to the emotional safety of the "victims." They are likely to feel very vulnerable. Demonstrate your concern by making sure they don't get cold, rubbing hands and feet to check circulation, removing hairs from their tongue, and scratching anything that itches. It's unethical to do something to them you know they won't like. If you start to tickle a person in bondage who really hates it, he or she will never forgive you.

If you find bondage sexually rewarding, you will discover many different settings in which to use it. You might enjoy locking a light chain around your partners' waist and taking them out to dinner. The cab driver won't know, the waiter won't know, and the bartender won't know. But your partners know that they are your property for the evening, and the time you spend out together will become an extended form of foreplay. Once you are home, you may not be ready to tie them to something and render them immobile. A collar and a leash can keep them in a submissive, receptive frame of mind while you trot around the house making last minute preparations for the evening. Bondage can be used to act out lots of different sexual fantasies, You can be Samson and Delilah, a gladiator conquered in the ring, a slave girl with one last chance to prove her worth before being sold, a prisoner about to be interrogated, a pet, a sex robot or the new man in the bunkhouse.

Some people never try bondage because they are afraid of getting "hooked" on it. They imagine they won't be able to enjoy sex without it. I think this is silly. If you enjoy bondage that much, you probably aren’t enjoying sex without it right now. You might as well start getting what you really want. What would be wrong with doing bondage every time you had sex? Some people need to have a penis inserted into a vagina every time they have sex, and they pass for normal. So who’s to say?

Most people who enjoy bondage use it as a spice, a sexual treat for special occasions or special people. I don’t think of them (or any person who experiments intelligently with sex) as addicts. I think of them as curious and courageous individuals who choose to expand their sexual repertoires.