Classic Variations: Female Domination: Pleasure/Pain Primer

By Patrick Califia

I am dominant. I like running the fuck. That includes choosing my lovers, hunting them down, persuading them to submit to me, and wearing them out in the service of my pleasure.

Despite women’s liberation and the sexual revolution, most women are still afraid to initiate, let alone control, a sexual experience. Women continue to accommodate their partners passively, and most of us don’t even know what our sex lives would look like if we took charge and aggressively pursued our own fantasies. This isn’t surprising, since everybody wants to be loved, and little girls are told over and over again that nobody will love a powerful woman.

Well, that’s simply not true. I never lack for eager partners, both women and men. Why? Because living in this stressful, competitive society makes people anxious and insecure. A lot of women and men turn to sex for relief from this tension. Many, many people have erotic fantasies about being taken care of sexually, being relieved of responsibility in bed, being ordered about by someone. They also want to be punished for their failures, and then forgiven. In a cruel and arbitrary world, the dominatrice represents nourishment and justice.

In short, there are a lot of potential submissives in this world, waiting for a chance to surrender. The dominant woman can pick her pleasure. She can gratify any whim.

Let me give you a few examples from my own experience: I spend many nights quietly at home with my most treasured female possession. I like to get us both in the mood by dressing up. I will slip into my black fishnet stockings, a black garter belt with red rosettes and ribbons, a pair of six-inch spike heels and a sheer black gown that shows off my white shoulders and full cleavage. As I don each item, I feel more and more dominant and self-assured. My sweet, naked slave has assisted me with dressing, and by the time I am fully costumed, she will be trembling, blushing, and panting a little. I will seize her, collar her, and position her in front of a full-length mirror. As she watches, fascinated by the transformation. I will lace her into a corset, then she will don black stockings, carefully align the seams, and step into her own high heels. Leather wrist-manacles, connected with a short piece of chain complete the outfit. I will attach a lead to her collar and select a limber yellow cane from my collection. Then my leashed beauty and I will adjourn to the living room for a pleasant evening of brandy, firelight, posture training, body worship, and other domestic delights.

If I am in a different mood, my partner will have to come looking for me in the warehouse district and search through the gay men’s leather bars. I will be hidden in a dark corner, enjoying a quiet beer and watching the door. I will be wearing heavy black boots, leather chaps over faded jeans, and my motorcycle jacket over nothing at all. My attire signals clearly that I am dominant: gloves snapped under the left epaulet of my jacket; keys and handcuffs on my left hip; a silver earring glinting in my left earlobe. This evening, I am playing an adult version of hide-and-seek. A certain submissive has been told to find me by midnight, but I have not given him the name of the bar.

Two minutes after twelve, he pushes through the cowhide that hangs across the doorway of the bar and begins to thread this way between tall, muscular male bodies clad in uniforms, leather harnesses, jockstraps, faded button-fly jeans, leather pants with studded codpieces. Like me, he is wearing full leather. He carries his motorcycle helmet by the chinstrap. He is afraid. Will I be there? It’s late. Maybe I’ve given up and gone home. But he sees me! I beckon him over, unsnapping the handcuffs. The men around me begging to move back, giving me room to work. I look at him and begin.

There are other places and other moods. I might decide to do some research on the psychology of the American businessman. Then I place and ad in the local S&M newspaper. I love the feel of money changing hands, and many straight men need to pay a mistress before they can shed their inhibitions and reveal their masochistic needs. I treat them as fairly and firmly as I do my other slaves. In one day, I will probably see three or four clients.

One of them may want to be transformed into a woman—a wish I certainly approve of. I lock away his bulky male garments, whisk out some delicate pastel undies and a negligee, tie up his male genitals snugly, and carefully apply makeup and a wig. Within minutes, I have created a shy, yet irresistible, sexy young girl. Overwhelmed by lust, I then tie her up and force her to surrender to exotic lesbian practices.

Another of my clients may want to be my dear little dog. He is stripped, told to get down on all fours and put on a choke chain. I try to teach Fido to roll over, sit up, and beg, but he’s a slow learner, so I have to spank him several times with a rolled-up newspaper. When I take him for a walk, he does not do his business on command. I punish him by forcing him to lap a certain warm, aromatic, golden liquid from his doggy dish.

Fido is such a bad dog that I eventually have to confine him to the doghouse under the kitchen table. I scold him until he cringes and squirms and whimpers and comes. When I do professional sessions, I like to call my sweetheart in between appointments and recount the juicy details. I tell her that after I finish work I am taking her out to an expensive restaurant, and she gulps, knowing she will be expected to repay me for her meal by outdoing all of my male slaves after dinner.

My sex life may seem bizarre to you, or it may seem tame, depending on your own preferences and experiences. But there’s only one reason to do anything, whether it’s mutual oral sex or bondage and discipline—because you enjoy it. I’ve met many married couples who seemed very unhappy to me because the husband was genuinely submissive and his wife was a reluctant dominant. While she fantasized about making love for hours on a tropical beach, he fantasized about her piercing his tits. Too many women comply with their spouse’s or lover’s masochistic demands just to keep the relationship together, and too many submissives, especially heterosexual men, settle for lukewarm S&M with a woman who doesn’t really understand it.

So if your lady or your man confesses their submissive fantasies to you, don’t feel obligated to act them out. Think it over first. Carefully consider whether or not there’s anything in it for you. After all, a dominant is supposed to be in charge of what’s happening, not a victim of manipulation or blackmail. But don’t reject the proposal immediately. Remember that you’ve received lots of conditioning to be passive, especially in erotic matters.

If you are intrigued by the idea, but you just don’t know how to go about it or you can’t quite imagine yourself getting away with such a thing, why not be daring and experiment? It’s often impossible to predict whether or not a particular act will arouse you until it’s actually taking place. Sexual dominance has the potential to increase your self-confidence, make you feel more beautiful and adored, and guarantee your body lots and lots of careful attention.

You can venture into the realm of female domination as slowly and carefully as you like. Don’t be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. If your submissive gets too impatient, remind him that he must obey you, and it is only by showing complete and genuine obedience that he will win another opportunity to serve you. Your partner may believe that he can get what he wants sexually by making you angry enough to punish him. I send away slaves who are this ill-mannered. This is the only way to punish masochists, since they enjoy being spanked or scolded. Anyway, I do not enjoy sex with someone who treats me badly.

Tell your slave that patience is a virtue, and that it is sometimes a submissive’s fate to be frustrated and helpless. You can eroticize the state of anticipation by forbidding him to masturbate for one day. Then give him an item of your clothing, tell him that is all of you he deserves to have, and order him to masturbate with your stockings, panties, or glove pressed to his face. In fact, I recommend teaching all submissives to masturbate themselves to orgasm at your command. This makes it possible for you to grant them relief from sexual tension at any time you choose.

Before your first scene, order your slave-to-be to write out a full confession of his sexual desires. He should reveal his hidden fantasies, describe the sexual techniques he most enjoys, and admit to those practices he knows he isn’t ready to do for you just yet. He should include vanilla sex games as well as things like cunnilingus, high heels, bondage, being tickled, anal penetration, blindfolds, nipple stimulation, fellatio, enemas, mutual masturbation, leather, humiliation, cock rings, tongue-baths, intercourse, dildos, foot massage, and so on. When you receive this document, which should be phrased in humble tones, go over it carefully and see where your fantasies and preferences overlap with your submissive’s. This area of overlap is the arena within which your scene should take place.

At first, you will probably want to keep strictly within the parameters your slave expresses, at least until you know him well enough to know when he is really at the limit of his ability to give. Remember that the bottom wants to experience being out of control and in your power. The surest way to make him believe in and understand your power is to insist that he exceed his stated limits just a little bit, for you, as a gift. He must wear the nipple clips another ten seconds, come just one more time, take six more strokes of the cat, wait five more minutes before being allowed to kiss your feet.

Here’s a simple scenario for your first scene. Set a time limit—perhaps one hour—in which you will be in charge. Then simply do the kind of sex you and your partner normally do, only with you deciding when everything will happen and giving explicit instructions about how you want it done. If your partner doesn’t want to give you a bubble bath, suck on your toes for twenty minutes, or lick your clit in just the right spot, tell him he obviously isn’t good slave material and threaten to call the whole thing off. He doesn’t want a real mistress—he wants a performance. Why should we do that? Dominant women are few and far between. We can have anyone we want. The fact is that any submissive is replaceable. The sooner your slave realizes this, the more docile he will become—and the more delightful.

But I hope I am not giving you a completely negative picture of the typical submissive. Actually, most of them are not only eager to do anything they can please you. No one gives a better massage or better head than a willing slave who is determined to make himself indispensable. A slave will cook for you, clean your leather, submit to your discipline, polish your silverware, suffer, chauffeur you, entertain you—anything, so long as it is in obedience to your will. I have gotten much more than explosive climaxes and the thrill of absolute power from my slaves. I have gotten companionship and loyalty and love.

Because of this absolute willingness to obey, good communication is essential to high quality, safe S&M. After every scene, do some evaluation with your partner. Find out what worked and what didn’t. Share your new fantasies. Ask questions: Why were you angry? How were you feeling when you cried? Did you get to come enough times?

It’s possible to do creative scenes with no equipment other than a willing body on its knees, your imagination, and a quick tongue. But after a while you will probably want to expand your repertoire and get some toys to play with. I have some suggestions about what the basic “toy box” should include. You can alter this list to fit your own requirements.

First, I recommend a three-quarter-inch cotton clothesline, cut into various lengths, as the best and cheapest bondage material. Tape the ends to prevent unraveling. Learn to tie a square knot. It’s easy to undo and won’t slip if somebody pulls on it. Handcuffs are easy to operate and very realistic, but make sure you have the key on your person at all times. Wooden spring clothespins, perhaps loosened a little with a pair of pliers, are cheap and effective nipple clips. Leather thongs can be used effectively. Ostrich plumes, peacock feathers and rabbit fur gloves make wonderful toys for sensuous teasing. A large black bandana can be folded up and used as a blindfold. For spanking, a hairbrush or a Ping-Pong paddle works very well.

For elegance, though, nothing beats the riding crop. Crops are especially good for beginners because they are relatively easy to aim. And you never need to actually hit anybody to have a dramatic impact, if you aren’t ready for that or if your slave doesn’t like to go that far. You can tie him down and hit the bed—good and hard—all around him. That will get a slave panting and tingling in no time at all. You can use it to point to things you want him to fetch, trail the leather tip down his body while you describe his finer points, make him suck on it, poke him with it when you want him to turn over. It is a symbol of your authority and your right to punish him if he is not prompt to please you.

A dog collar induces an appropriate frame of mind in most submissives. For anal sex, purchase an enema bag and have your slave clean himself out before presenting himself for your inspection. If you enjoy penetration, some dildos in assorted sizes are essential.

While you play, keep a few simple safety precautions in mind. After all, the point of S&M is to move your slave to the edge of pleasure/pain and keep him there. Do everything with caring. Your slave is also your pet, and we take good care of our pets. Use common sense. Don’t do anything that sounds dangerous. Because you need good judgment and because you need your slave to stay in touch with his own condition, avoid heavy drug use during a scene.

When you put someone in bondage, two things you have to worry about are circulation and breathing. Check hands and feet periodically to make sure they aren’t falling asleep. Don’t lift anybody off the floor by this wrists or ankles: This will dislocate joints. Don’t put anything around the neck or across the face that will restrict breathing. In general, it’s a bad idea to leave a person alone when he’s tied up, especially if he is facedown on a soft surface.

If you want to put a lot of stress on someone’s body and make him endure some pain and discomfort for you, give a safety word. This is a code word he can use to stop the action. Pick a word he won’t say just because he’s turned on: “no” and “help” are bad safe words. Once he’s got his code word, have at him, and let him protest and plead for mercy to his heart’s content. As long as you don’t hear that safety word, you have permission to continue.

If you strike somebody—and this is very important—be careful around the face, neck, and throat. Don’t hit anybody in the stomach, the ribs, the backbone, the tailbone, or over the kidneys. In fact, be gentle with any area that is not well-padded. The ass is the best target for erotic blows. Your bottom will be able to take more if you build up tension slowly. Alternate the pain with gentler stimulation—suck on his nipples, fondle him, praise him.

Find a safe space to play in. Neighbors, children and the family dog often misinterpret the sound of love taps and struggle. You don’t want to have to explain yourself to well-meaning cops.

The novice dominatrice should be wary of he scene’s becoming too one-sided. It’s easy for women, who are used to giving and giving, to spend an entire session working very hard to deliver what the masochist expects, and wind up exhausted and resentful. Don’t let your slave get lazy or complacent. I usually don’t let a submissive come until he has labored long and hard to satisfy me.

The slave should worship your body and perform the rites that you dictate. You can demand a backrub, a pedicure, gentle feather-stroking all over your body, oral service or rimming. Some mistresses tie their slaves securely, kneel over their faces, and masturbate, without allowing the slave to do anything other than watch. Some mistresses train their slaves to use an electric vibrator to give them prolonged multiple orgasms. Other mistresses may chain a male slave down, command him to achieve and maintain an erection, and ride it until they are satisfied. Other mistresses have more exotic requirements. Nothing you can imagine doing is forbidden.

Discussions with your own slave and other mistresses can enhance your skill and creativity. But this is all secondhand information about what a submissive actually experiences. This may sound risky, but there’s only one way to perfect your empathy with your slave: Switch roles with her or him.

There are some S&M experts who insist that an authentic dominatrice never have the submissive feelings or experiences, but for the most part this expectation is unrealistic. S&M is erotic theater. To develop and enjoy our personalities to the fullest, we need to play out every aspect of our fantasies. We’ve already been damaged by our society’s rigid prescriptions of masculine and feminine roles. Why perpetuate that sort of repression? Besides, I enjoy boasting to a timid slave that I could easily endure—and have often enjoyed—the ordeal he is shrinking from.

Role-switching is good for the submissive as well as the dominant. While you discover first-hand the dread and rapture of utter vulnerability as the knots are cinched tight and your legs are dragged apart, your slave will discover the amount of responsibility you assume for him and the amount of energy it takes to lead another person down into self-abandonment. You will know exactly what it feels like to have the lash land on your exposed, unprotected buttocks—and your slave will know the fear, glory and thrill of administering pain. Both of you will come out of the experience with new appreciation for the gifts you present to each other and the talent and determination it takes to play your chosen parts.

If you discover that being a dominant woman is fulfilling for you, your life can become quite an adventure. You will probably become attuned to the hidden power dynamics in every social situation. Your dominance will manifest itself in subtle ways, and draw responsive women and men to you. They will express their desire to be overpowered, owned and used in a thousand different ways—and never understand how you divined heir secret desires, once you have chosen your favorites and led them into bondage.

For example, at parties, you will probably find people bringing you things to eat or drink and serving them very prettily, making jokes about how naughty they are, holding out an ashtray for you each time you need one, and even coming to sit or kneel at your feet.

Although the main purpose of S&M games is sexual pleasure, being a dominatrice affects all your relationships with other people. An S&M relationship is very different from a non-S&M relationship. Just as gay male couples have rules and standards that from heterosexual or lesbian couples, a mistress’s power is quite genuine. Her submissives are willing to do things for her that most women have to do for themselves. Her slaves will be suggestible and open to her judgments. If it is to remain consensual and healthy, domination must have moral component. I view myself as a good parent, someone who encourages her slaves to be happy, develops their self-esteem and rewards them for work well done.

It’s possible I get more of a kick out of sending a sick submissive home from work, making a slave lose weight or quit smoking, ordering someone to get a better job, or forbidding a slave to be depressed than I get out of teaching him to tolerate a heavier pair of nipple clips. But I don’t want to deprive someone of the ultimate authority to make his own choices. Indeed, I am not turned on by slaves who are incapable of taking care of themselves.

If my suggestions have fired your imagination, good fortune to you. Perhaps we will meet some night over the prone body of an eager slave, and labor together to make him a bit more obedient and responsive. Until then, good hunting!